NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it the “most shocking conspiracy” he has ever unearthed, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. revealed on CNN last night that his mind is being controlled by a moron.
“I don’t know exactly how my brain is being operated remotely, by an electronic beam or microwaves or whatnot,” he told the network’s Erin Burnett. “But somehow, some way, there’s a total numbskull making me say the things I say.”
Kennedy said that he had “suspected” that his brain was being manipulated by an egregious dunce “for some time,” but when he heard himself claim that President Joe Biden was a greater threat to democracy than Donald J. Trump, “that clinched it.”
The independent presidential candidate revealed that he pinned index cards to his basement wall featuring his most ludicrous utterances about Bill Gates, Dr. Anthony Fauci, vaccines, January 6, Ukraine, and microchips, and then connected the cards with colored yarn to see if a pattern emerged.
“If I’d said one or two dumb things, I’d brush it off,” he said. “But when every time I open my mouth something irredeemably idiotic comes out, that can’t be a coincidence.”